Fantasy Footballer’s Sedentary Life in an
Upstate New York Village
I began playing fantasy football with a partner in an eight-team
league of West Palm Beach, Florida residents when I got out of college
in 1998. While the Internet and other media forms have since expanded
the game to the limits of the Earth and maybe beyond, for
all we know the game has remained basically the same right
here in upstate New York, Greene County.
Sure, in our league we have some rule changes once in a while.
But empirically speaking, all you really need is Internet access
to play the game, for Gates sake. That allows all varieties
of human life forms to participate, squabble about mid-season
trades that make or break championships, and generally appreciate
the fine malaise that is fantasy football addiction.
I can see them out there Those that we do no speak of
without consulting NFL.com first for up-to-date statistics (which
I will from now on abbreviate using the acronym TTWDNSOWUNFLCOMFFUTDS,
and even further abridgment).
While the knowledge base here in Greene County is pedantic,
at best, TTWDNSOWUNFLCOMFFUTDS possess both skills and technique
that could crush the inhabitants of my poor village to bits
crumbled teams of third-string running backs, injured receivers
with ACL tears, heavily-concussed quarterbacks, blocking tight
ends and assorted Gramaticas.
Yes, there are those that live in my village who have big heads,
group together in compounds on Route 81 Hill, have season tickets
to the Giants and a decent understanding of fantasy football,
but they are no match for TTWDNSOWUNFLCOM... or the assorted brands
of apocalypse that they will bring upon us if we dare enter their
We wear white wife beaters and jean shorts to distinguish ourselves
from TTWDNSOWUN...who wear golf shirts of blood red sackcloth
and have gabardine trousers the likes of which we have never seen.
Oh, how the football gods have smiled upon TTWDNSO..., but scorned
us with low waiver priority, random retirements in keeper leagues,
not to mention scads of hellfire and brimstone (the new team colors
for the Atlanta Falcons).
Okay, enough of the bad references to M. Night Shamalyans
latest disappointment, and back to my point or was there
I tend to encourage change in fantasy football leagues. I believe
in gradual development of scoring rules, yearly discussion of
roster size issues and similar analysis that breeds increased
competition and more participation.
While we have a loosely-organized system for developing the
rules, the commissioner of my league a large-skulled friend
who I have known since he was about four sees fit every
year to come up with some hair-brained scoring scheme to crown
The trend of scoring analyzation started years ago, when we
tried to balance the scoring for all positions. While it never
works, we have been left with a complex but balanced scoring system
that places a lot of importance on defense. Were an IDP
league, and have in years past required five individual defensive
players of any position on the starting roster.
And no, having Deion Sanders, or Charles Woodson has NEVER helped,
since defensive players can only accumulate points on defense.
This year, big-head came up with a rule to require one DL, one
LB and one DB, with two defensive FLEX positions. I like it, since
draft day tends to become 12 guys pouring through linebacker cheatsheets
looking for safe picks.
This draft day, look for ways to improve your league. Its
not too late, and it might make the season more interesting by
encouraging more trades with larger rosters. I know the draft
can get long with 20 or more rounds, but its only one day
out of the year and you dont really need to get home that
Set up some new rules and try to vote them in with a league
majority. Or you could come play in my league and just deal with
the wrath of an autocratic, power-hungry league commissioner who
also happens to have an enormous noggin. Like the Black Sheep
said, the choice is yours.