As loyal readers (reader?) of this column already know, I do not claim
to be the best drafter in the game today. In fact, I'm not even the
freakish inbred cousin of the best drafter in the game today. But
that's good news for you as draft day approaches, because even I have
figured out some things that don't work.
The following stories are true. Only the names have been changed to
protect the innocent. I have witnessed all of the following moves
in real fantasy football drafts. If you are planning to adopt any
of these strategies, take my advice... don't.
Home Sweet
Homer We all love to root for the home team, but when it comes to drafting
them, to quote Ford Fairlane, "Use your head, snapper head!" Don't
be the dork everyone remembers who chose rookie Lawrence Phillips
with your first round pick. Yes, this really happened in our St. Louis-based
league. The owner who made this marvelous pick (we'll call him "Jim")
was taunted by a fellow owner during a chance meeting in the john.
Using his best Ross Perot voice, he reassured Jim he was just as smart
as Perot's running mate, Admiral James (Who am I? Why am I here?!)
Stockdale. "Admiral, the way you took Lawrence Phillips in the first
round...that was just sweet. A lot of people might have been tempted
to take Barry Sanders or Steve Young. But not you, oh no." Anyway,
it's funny when you're drunk.
And the homer tendency is a continuing, year-in, year-out risk. Rams'
stiffs who have been selected too high (or at all) in our drafts include
Jerald Moore (remember him?), Troy Drayton (always too high), Steve
"Help, my arm is falling off!" Walsh, the ghost of Eddie Kennison,
and the immortal Hayward Clay (free first round pick if you can name
what position he plays).
"Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down This
Wall!"
In 1987, Ronald Reagan proclaimed these immortal words. In 1987, Thurman
Thomas completed his college career and quickly became an awesome
NFL running back. In 2000, Ronald Reagan can't remember his own name.
And in 2000, Thurman Thomas sucks. Can anybody guess what I'm getting
at here? Jerry Rice will not catch 12 touchdown passes this year.
He might not catch a cold. And Thurman Thomas won't rush for 700 yards,
let alone 1,000.
Take a lesson from one sage owner in our league (we'll call him "Jim")
who recently tried to reunite the NFL all-80s team: Dan Marino, Emmitt
Smith, Jerry Rice, and Michael Irvin. Now, Emmitt had a nice year,
but he was the only one. If you go old, you get diminished performance,
increased injury risk and sympathy pains. Just remember what the stockbrokers
tell you: past performance is not indicative of future results.
Locked In. I Mean, Really Locked In.
It's nice to go into draft day with a strategy, but don't hit the
off switch on your brain during the draft, either. Last year, one
owner (we'll call him "Jim") really, really wanted to draft two running
backs in the first two rounds. Well, he sure did. First pick: Fred
Taylor. Now this was a solid pick; after all, who could have predicted
his untimely death? However, by the time he picked again, all of the
top running backs were long gone. But that's o.k., he had a strategy.
With his second pick Jim chose "Yo" Adrian Murrell. Now, technically,
this was a running back selection. But here are just a few of the
players he passed on to grab Murrell: Marvin Harrison, Isaac Bruce,
Jimmy Smith, Keyshawn Johnson, and Wesley Walls. I'm thinking he may
have made a mistake here. The reward for sticking to his plan? Jim
is now famous for "stepping on his [groin]" on draft day.
Beginner's Luck... (or is it, beginners suck?)
This game is tough on beginners. Imagine the following scenario: The
year? 1999. It is your first fantasy season. You have the first pick
of the entire draft. You take Brett Favre -- arguably a good choice.
Twenty-seven picks later, you decide to take a running back. Instead,
you take Bam Morris. After all, "Jim" already took Adrian Murrell.
Now that I have had fun at another's expense, let me explain my own
ingenious first ever fantasy draft. I lucked into the third-overall
selection and chose Drew Bledsoe (he blew, but that wasn't my fault).
Believe it or not, it went downhill from there. In the second round,
I shrewdly decided to monopolize all the "good" quarterbacks and took
Rick Mirer. Yes, that Rick Mirer. Would you believe I thought he'd
be great trade bait?! When I finally got around to drafting my first
running back (in the fourth round), I confidently announced I would
select Ki-Jana Carter. The commissioner, in a rare act of mercy, asked,
"You do know he's out for the year, right?" This allowed me to cleverly
say, "Why yes, I was merely testing you." It may not surprise you
that I did not make the playoffs that year.
All of which leads me to say: don't be afraid to make mistakes. Sooner
or later, you will. As long as you avoid some of the obvious pitfalls
listed above, your drafting ability, and your ability to produce a
winning team, will improve. Unless....
.....it is the the sixth year of your league, you have never made
the playoffs, and we call you "Jim".
