Me: Welcome Mr. Draft, we are pleased that you are joining us.

F.F. Draft: I'm a busy man get to the point.

Me: Okay, How is this season treating you?

F.F. Draft: What is this, softball? I'm the Fantasy Football Draft, how am I supposed to be doing? It's a great job, I'm happy. Ask something with a little hair on it, please.

Me: What is the overriding "hot button" issue that you are dealing with for the 2001 season?

F.F. Draft: There aren't any reliable running backs. None, nada, zippo. Diogenes would find an honest politician before he found a reliable running back this season. The only 'hot button" issue for me is an empty glass of scotch, if that doesn't stop we ain't going anywhere. And lose the ice.

Me: Sure, anything you want. What do you mean no running backs, how about Edgerrin James, Marshall Faulk, Eddie George etc?

F.F. Draft: I'll give ya James. After the squawk about not getting he and his entourage into Indianapolis from South Beach, he is armed and ready. And what the hell was that all about anyway? The only way someone flies from South Beach to Indy is if they are accompanied by Federal Marshals. Certainly not some young buck with an armload of cash and readily available, scantily clad, companionship. But, that is it. After James there is a huge void.

Me: Faulk, Taylor, George, what are you talking about?

F.F. Draft: They are an ambulance ride waiting to happen. Taylor hasn't had a healthy season in the NFL; Christ, the man is a spokesman for Blue Cross. George is limping on a bad toe and the team won't let him get near contact. We won't know about that dude until the end of the preseason. And people are taking him third in some drafts, jeesh. The big lie is the story about Faulk. The problem is being downplayed but they won't let him start practicing until the 20th and his first game could be Opening Day. Something smells bad there and millions are risking first or second picks on his creaking bones. The guy is a warrior but he has had, at least, three problems with the same knee in less than a year. How soon before we are talking about him in the same hushed tones as Dorsey Levens, for chrissakes?

Me: Take a breath there big guy. So running backs suck, how about other trends.

F.F. Draft: I haven't finished with running backs Sonny, but we can switch topics if you will refill my medicine.

Me: Whatever.

F.F. Draft: Tony Gonzalez, the big athletic dude in Kansas City, is going faster than ever before. I've seen him going early in round two and people waiting to snatch him in round three better decide to move up or out, cuz he ain't going to be there. If ya miss him though, there are plenty of tight ends to go around.

Me: None as skilled as Gonzalez

F.F. Draft: No, there may not have been a tight end ever as skilled as Gonzo but Sharpe, Lewis, Wycheck, Jones, and Walls - if he can drag his body out there for 16 weeks - all have the ability to play well. Man, Walls' health is like Gary Condit's love life. What history! Watch Jones, with that little annoying freak Flutie tossing the pig at him, he could finally explode.

Me: Isn't Jones injured?

F.F. Draft: It was hernia surgery, not like they cut on something important. Plus he'll be available come Opening Day or the week after. He'll be a bargain in the next couple weeks. Another trend coming quickly down the pike is running backs being drafted with the first seven or eight picks moving Moss, Culpepper, Manning, and Warner to the back of the first round. People are smelling the lack of backs and it is fomenting a run that is starting to misshape drafts. Curtis Martin hasn't been this close to the first pick since Bill Parcells was snorting and spitting in Foxboro. I even saw James Stewart drafted in the first round. At first I thought it was an acid flashback but it was a frightened running back addict.

Me: Fomenting?

F.F. Draft: To incite or rouse, where'd you buy your dictionary, at the county prison?

Me: Back to running backs, how about the Broncos?

F.F. Draft: What a mess! Terrell can't run down his mother for a cup of soup. You have to wonder how much life was sucked out of him at the Atlanta Gold Club. Ah, so to speak. And the race to replace him is up for grabs. I saw a draft recently where Davis went late in the third, Anderson mid-fourth and Gary mid-fifth. I wouldn't be shocked if Sammy Winder gets taken in the tenth. No one knows what is going to happen and that is what Shanahan, the eel, wants.

Me: Let's switch directions, which players are your bargains?

F.F. Draft: Am I supposed to do the work for you? Ok, give me Warrick Dunn.

Me: Dunn?

F.F. Draft: He is going cheap and how else is that offense gonna move the rock? Stop interrupting! Rich Gannon, the kicker for the Titans, ah, what's his name.

Me: Nedney?

F.F. Draft: Yeah, Nedney. Good leg, good defense and Steve McNair couldn't find a receiver if he was standing naked in front of him. Great combination.

Me: How about receivers?

F.F. Draft: Jimmy Smith is going late so even without a couple miles of intestine, he's a bargain, and Eric Moulds should be a natural in the West Coast offense.

Me: Even with Rob Johnson.

F. F. Draft: Even that knucklehead will recognize he has to let go of the leather when Moulds is crossing the middle a car length ahead of some lost cornerback. I loved David Boston but now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. He's so in, he's out.

Me: How about players you dislike?

F. F. Draft: Hey, I love them all. What all-knowing, all-seeing entity wouldn't love all his children? Ok, stop the staring. I wouldn't draft these players if I were using your picks. Antonio Freeman has had two seasons of lazy belligerence and mediocre numbers. He ain't getting younger and Favre isn't getting better. Jeff Garcia lost two of his top-3 weapons and some nitwits are taking him in the first and second round. Jesus, stop the madness. There are too many lost running back situations that could change over night but the Tyrone Wheatley/Charlie Garner mess is anyone's guess as to who is getting the egg. I don't know and I'm omnipotent. Stay away from the Broncos running game, it is morphing into something more diabolical than Medusa.

Me: How about general draft advice for our audience?

F.F. Draft: Who, your mother and father? Here are my tenets to live by. Take running backs early and often even three in the first three rounds. Get Tony Gonzalez at almost all costs. Take quarterbacks only after the draft has hit a dry spot, generally the fifth round this season. Drink old scotch, chase young women, and never draft a kicker before the last round. Jake Plummer.

Me: Jake Plummer?

F.F. Draft: Yep, Jake Plummer. And I'm happy to see the same yahoos that drafted Barry Sanders last season are starting to draft Robert Smith this season. The man could've signed for millions in the off-season but he will play in Baltimore for ten cents on the dollar. Yow!

:: comments to mark bond