Each week of games is another day in the classroom for fantasy football
2001. Study and you have a chance at passing the course at the end
of the semester. Fall asleep after closing the local bars and you
will receive an "F". Here is what we learned Week 8...
Never Leave Your Television
If there was a game that cried for Tivo or videotape it was the
Cleveland/Chicago game. Imagine the poor slob that left the game
to make a sandwich, freshen a drink, spend a few quality seconds
with their spouse, or visit the facilities. After spending 59 minutes
rooting fruitlessly for the Bears, they miss two scores in 28 seconds.
How many Bears fans left the game to get a jump on traffic to hear
the ending on the radio? Had to be some, damn in LA only the cleanup
crew would be left. That is, of course, if we had a team in LA.
Problem is you can't tape every game and not everyone can afford
Tivo. I figure there are two alternatives. The first is to attempt
to go without food or drink for about 11 or 12 hours every Sunday.
No food or drink means no trips away from the game for any reason.
However, not to have a platter of nachos and a half dozen bloodies
for breakfast is going beyond the call of duty in my mind. The alternative
is to bring the kitchen and facilities to the television. Think
of it as camping. A hot plate - we assume no open fires in the living
room or den --, a cooler - small dorm-type fridge is better, and
a, er, bucket or maybe for the less rustic a port-a-pottie. This
actually could be additional business for seasonal camping equipment
rentals. Ed's Kamping Kingdom will stay open through the Super Bowl
just to service football fans.
Something's Wrong With The Dolphins Running
Game
After having bad games against the Jets and Seahawks, it seemed
natural that Lamar Smith and the Dolphins would break out of their
running game slump by pounding Carolina on the ground. The Panthers
are one of the worst teams in the NFL defending against the run
plus they weren't going to put up much of an offensive fight. The
Dolphins were primed to run the football and run it effectively.
They tried but failed. Smith had his worst game of the year with
37 yards and no scores. Smith's job seems to be hanging by an ever-increasingly
thin thread. Rookie Travis Minor, popular due to his success at
Florida State, has gotten a few carries the last couple games, which
forced Head Coach Dave Wannstedt to give Smith a vote of confidence
and excuse the bad running game on the other defenses and game plans.
Those excuses don't hold much water as Smith has averaged 21 carries
a game despite going nowhere. They can't win on the wing of Jay
Fiedler so much attention must be paid to running the football.
If they can't, something has to change.
They Can Turn QBs In Big D
Being an old materials guy, we always appreciate turning inventories.
Never have we seen the ability to turn inventory as we have in Dallas.
The inventory they are turning is starting quarterbacks. They started
last season with Troy Aikman, Randall Cunningham, and Anthony Wright
as starters. This season they have had Quincy Carter, Anthony Wright,
Clint Stoerner, and now starting for America's Team is Ryan Leaf.
Leaf makes it seven starting quarterbacks in a year and a half and
four in the first eight games this season. Not sure what the record
is but we assume they are on pace to blow the record out of the
water. By the way, Leaf starting for Dallas is akin to electing
Osama bin Laden Mayor.
I Hate Kickers
I hate kickers in fantasy football. They are almost totally unpredictable
year-to-year let alone week-to-week, yet all teams need them and
they will count - depending on scoring system - up to 20-percent
each week. Generally, the reason they are unpredictable is that
it is hard to predict how many field goal attempts they will get.
Field goals are where kickers earn their money. I take whatever
is left to me for kickers and try to pick up a good kicker as the
season goes along. This strategy usually works as the waiver wire
can be chock full of kickers that get plenty of field goal attempts.
My three principal kickers this season are Wade Richey, Ryan Longwell,
and Kris Brown. They are getting plenty of attempts - an average
of 2.75 attempts a game the last four games - but making only half.
In many of these leagues, missed field goals cost points. For example,
in one league Kris Brown scored -4 this past week. He could've scored
close to 20 points but hung a negative number on me. He lost two
games for me this week. Longwell's single miss turned a win into
a tie and Richey turned a win into a loss. All told my three heroic
kickers went a collective 3-for-9. Arggh.
Kyle Turley Needs A Sedative
Kyle Turley is a great player. An aggressive offensive lineman,
who wins more battles than he loses, he is one of the main reasons
for the Saints running game success. He could also be a danger to
society if not given massive amounts of tranquilizers. Forget "Anger
Management", we are talking Thorazine or Haldol. Maybe hit
the mutha with some elephant tranqs. Either the sedatives or send
him to the WWF. Turley's explanation for dragging Damian Robinson
by his helmet, ripping the helmet off his head, tossing the helmet
20 yards in the air, and making an obscene gesture was that he was
"trying to save Aaron Brooks' life." Earth to Kyle, aren't
we exaggerating a bit. We are hoping for the sake of society that
the NFL outfits referees with tranquilizer guns before Kyle throws
another fit.
There Would Be A Lot Of Fun At A Falcons
Family Outing
During the Falcons/Patriots game there was a ruckus in the area
of the stands where the Falcons player's family members reside.
It seems that Falcons' family members were cheering when quarterback
Chris Chandler went down to injury. How 'bout that for team loyalty?
This irritated Chandler's wife Diane. Someone threw a can at Diane
Chandler. Diane Chandler was saved an adjoining hospital bed with
her husband because the can was caught by Bob Christian's father
Jim. We are surprised that coach Dan Reeves didn't sign Jim Christian
right then and there. Jim Christian then got into it with members
of Shawn Jefferson's family and the whole thing started to look
like it was choreographed by Kyle Turley. The reason Chandler was
cheered when injured - something that would double the amount of
cheers Chandler got in a season - was that the other family members
wanted to see Michael Vick play. Now if your lifestyle is given
a boost by catching passes, as we figure Shawn Jefferson's is, then
wouldn't you want Chandler to stay healthy - as unlikely as that
is. Bet if Shawn had a vote, he'd be voting for Chandler over the
scatter-gunned and, from rumors, brained Vick.
Mark Bond can be found,
most days, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn, eating hot sausage sandwiches
topped with BBQ chips, chili, and coleslaw, slapping back Cuervo
shooters, and rambling on about those warm evenings spent with Janet
Reno. He is not related to James Bond but has the same air of sophistication
of Sean Connery. Mark is currently annoying his workmates at Jackpot
Sports, home of the first daily fantasy baseball game, the Reggie
Jackson Fantasy Baseball Challenge, plus weekly and seasonal Fantasy
Football games.
