Each week we will review the great, odd, poor, and weird happenings
of the past weeks football games. Yeah there will be a little fantasy
football info somewhere. I think.
There is a shock like no other when a name flits across the box
score that you don't recognize for the deed accomplished. No, we
aren't talking about tackle-eligible touchdown passes like the one
in Cleveland but the 94-yard reception to Jamal Anderson. When it
came across as Anderson-94-yard touchdown reception, I struggled
mightily to think who the hell was going 94 yards with a pass for
the Falcons. It turned out to be Jamal. Just beat the snot out of
me.
We digress but is the Michael Jordan comeback story the worst kept
secret since "Liberace isn't gay?"
Here is our prediction for Jordan. The Wizards miss the playoffs,
Jordan averages 20-per-game, and misses 20 games due to injury.
He retires at the end of the season.
The Vikings are 0-2 and playing Tampa Bay Week 3. They've lost to
Carolina and Chicago. Neither is heading to the playoffs. They can't
stop the pass and can't run the ball. It could be a long year.
Speaking of the Vikings not being able to run the first two weeks,
Michael Bennett had seven carries over three yards but seven that
went for one yard or less against the Bears.
The Cincinnati Bengals are 2-0. Say it slowly and hope it makes
sense.
The Ravens attempted 64 passes against the Bengals. Hope the egomaniac
genius of the moment Brian Billick can figure out that Terry Allen
is not the answer at running back. Allen had 22 touches total with
14 of two yards or less. Billick must realize that he can't move
the chains backwards and be successful.
The Lions were intercepted seven times and had 15 penalties. We
thought the next expansion team was coming from Houston. Matt Millen,
the Penn State degree must be worth something. We think you might
have to find out how much. And soon.
The San Diego Chargers are 2-0. Say it slowly and hope it makes
sense.
There was no truth to the rumor that Emmitt Smith stepped on Quincy
Carter's hand this past week. We are happy he passed the quitter
but hope he falls short of Payton.
The old refs are back. The Bills had 18 penalties. The scab refs
didn't call that many all Week 1. We think that maybe a few snuck
into the Philly/Seattle game, as Philly didn't commit one penalty.
Jerome Pathon owners, that was the best day he will have all year.
It is downhill from here. See what you can get for him.
Hey CBS, I can dredge up guys from the bowels of last call that
would be better than Ditka, Nantz, and the other bozos on the pregame
show. Give me a call.
Fred Taylor and groin pull go together like linguini and white clam
sauce.
I believe the statistic is the last 18 teams that have started the
season 0-2 have not made the playoffs. That means you Minnesota
and you Tennessee. The problem is, in my view, there is not a team
after two games that looks like a Super Bowl winner. Please don't
give me the Broncos and Rams as neither plays defense. Can't win
without defense.
John Baker, the Rams punter, is my 2001 nominee for best job in
sports. He will punt only 2-3 times a game - one punt Week 2 - as
the Rams offense moves the ball well enough to keep him off the
field. Before Baker, we thought Doug Pelfrey had the best job, as
he almost never got off the pine and when he did it meant nothing.
We bet that Mike Holmgren will walk all the Seahawks over to the
end zone just to remind his wayward offense the object of the game.
Holmgren's rep as a quarterback maker is taking a big hit with Jon
Kitna and now Matt Hasselbeck. Maybe Joe the Ragman could've helped
Brett Favre learn his ropes in the NFL.
Could David Boston play both ways for the Cardinals? Man with those
pipes he should be able to stick some guys at outside backer or
strong safety.
Joe Theisman started to say that Eric Moulds was the best receiver
in football, we wonder how he would know as Moulds never sees the
egg.
I said repeatedly that the best way to deal with the Broncos running
game was to ignore it. After Terrell Davis went down all leapt to
Mike Anderson but the man that carried the rock, the most, Week
2, was Olandis Gary. I have no idea who will get it the most against
Baltimore Week 3 and that is why you stay away from such problems.
After two weeks, our fearless forecast - subject to change weekly
-- is for New Orleans and Oakland to meet in the Super Bowl. Where
they will meet is anyone's guess. We have submitted a bid for Agoura
Hills - the high school has a nice stadium and Carl's Jr. is but
a short walk away - but Tags hasn't gotten back to me.
Mark Bond can be found,
most days, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn, eating hot sausage sandwiches
topped with BBQ chips, chili, and coleslaw, slapping back Cuervo
shooters, and rambling on about those warm evenings spent with Janet
Reno. He is not related to James Bond but has the same air of sophistication
of Sean Connery. Mark is currently annoying his workmates at Jackpot
Sports, home of the first daily fantasy baseball game, the Reggie
Jackson Fantasy Baseball Challenge, plus weekly and seasonal Fantasy
Football games.
