Each week we will review the great, odd, poor, and weird happenings
of the past weeks football games. Yeah there will be a little fantasy
football info somewhere. I think.
Last week fantasy leaguers were scurrying to grab Trung Canidate,
this week it will be Tom Brady. That is if someone didn't grab him
last week and is kicking someone's ass with him.
David Patten will also get play this week on the free agent wire.
Speaking of the Patriots, fans are badmouthing Drew Bledsoe in Boston.
That nine-figure contract he signed may hang around the Patriots
neck like a rancid salami after Tom Brady heads to free agency in
a year. Of course, Patriot fans are not the sharpest knives in the
NFL toolbox. They loved Scott Zolak over Drew, too.
Bill Parcells needs a fulltime job. CBS, are you listening?
Jerome Bettis owners figured it was a mistake but "The Bus"
can toss the pig, too. He just can't catch the darn thing.
The State of Florida is mulling the idea of charging the Steelers
with Assault on Brad Johnson. It is either that or charge the offensive
line and coaching staff of Tampa with Gross Negligence. There is
something criminal about the Steelers getting 10 sacks against the
Buccaneers.
It is the beginning of the fourth quarter and you are the head coach.
Your team has the ball on your opponent's seven-yard line and it
is two inches to the first down. A field goal will tie the game;
a touchdown gives you the four-point lead. Your opponent is a miserable
team who is unlikely to win more than four games. Your team is on
the precipice of contention. Most coaches will attempt the field
goal, as did Tom Coughlin. The rest of the year he will second-guess
the decision that cost him the season.
Rod Gardner will be high on people's list of free agents to grab
but we hasten to add two words that may damper enthusiasm for the
rookie wide receiver. Tony Banks.
What was it you said James Allen?
The Steelers are 4-1, the Browns are 4-1, and the Ravens, Titans,
and Jaguars are at .500 or below. These tequila flashbacks are scary.
Time of possession is wonderful but scores are better. The Ravens
had the ball for almost 10 minutes more than the Browns but scored
10 points less. How can that be? Toss seven sacks - sacks suck -
and two turnovers into the mix and it is difficult to score points.
The Browns had three scoring drives of less than six plays that
netted 17 points.
Want the bile to rise early in the football day, all you have to
see is your reserve running back - James Jackson - score early in
the game. Man, praying to the porcelain god early in the day really
brings those youthful hi-jinks back in focus.
We were seconds away from a Federal investigation of the NFL. When
Joe Nedney kicked the winning field goal against the Lions it meant
that only two-of-three winless teams won. If all three had won,
Congress would've run back to work - wait a minute, can't stop laughing
at the absurdity of that statement - and Oliver Stone would be in
full production.
Is Jerome Pathon the MVP this season? When he was healthy, the Colts
scored 87 points in two games, winning both. Since he was injured,
the Colts have scored 48 points in three games, losing them all.
The man gets my vote.
The Patriots scored three times on one-play drives and gained 180
yards - almost half their total yards for the day -- on those three
plays.
The Colts had two field goals blocked in the first half against
the Patriots. Our research suggests it is due to a lack of quality
strip clubs in Indiana. We are heading there, with a bag full of
Washingtons, to collect data.
There may be no better name in football than Alge Crumpler. Sounds
like a character out of a Dickens' novel.
We have to ask but how does an Alge Crumpler get open for a 57-yard
touchdown pass against a team that wants to go to the Super Bowl?
It is late in the first half and the Jets/Rams game is tied. The
Rams can't stop Curtis Martin and the Jets have already run 12 more
plays than the Rams. We smell upset and hunker down for what could
be a great early game. The Rams try a gimmick play with Hakim taking
a handoff and running the option with Trung Canidate. Canidate takes
the pitch to the house. The Jets get the ball back and Testaverde
immediately throws an interception that Aeneas Williams returns
home. By halftime, I'm wondering once again why I'm such a cheap
bastard and haven't sprung for a dish.
And why networks don't switch the audience from dead games, like
the Rams/Jets - 31-7 at the end of three quarters - to something
competitive is mind-boggling. Damn, even the Carolina/Washington
game would've been more fun. Tony Banks games are fun in the same
perverse way that watching crashes, at stock car races, are fun.
Set the VCR's, they have moved the Pro Bowl to Saturday, February
9. I don't know which is sadder. Is it the fact that some mooks
actually watch the worst sporting event in the world - give me a
Buzkashi match any day - or that Aloha Stadium General Manager Eddie
Hayashi said it was "the premiere event for the whole state."
Guess that explains why virgins throw themselves into volcanoes.
Going from a well-called game by Greg Gumbel and Phil Simms to the
CBS halftime show is like having dinner at the Four Seasons and
then going for dessert at Krispy Kreme.
Can't remember if it was Butch or Sundance but we repeated their
line the whole afternoon while watching the Packers sleep against
the Vikings. "Who are these guys?"
Those that like to place a small wager on the game - just to make
it a little more interesting - might want to know that teams heading
to a bye are 5-9 this year. Does it mean anything? We don't know
but it may explain the Packers disappearing act Week 6.
It would be a shame if Michael Bennett were allergic to pine as
it looks like he will become acquainted with the bench.
Mike Shanahan lost; it was a very good weekend.
We said this the past two weeks and will say it again, but without
a viable threat, outside of Rod Smith, the Broncos are ordinary.
And don't talk about their defense; the Chargers tore it to shreds.
There is no truth to the rumor that they film "Survivor Africa"
at the San Diego Zoo, we don't think.
If you never watch football while enjoying an andouille sausage
omelet and a spicy Bloody Mary, life wasn't worth living.
Frankie four fingers may not be the best-dressed person on the block
but he drives a brand new Mercedes and has a stable of cute chippies.
And it is all due to games like the Falcons/Saints.
It may not mean much but only one quarterback has thrown for over
200 yards and a score each game the last five weeks. That quarterback
is not Daunte Culpepper, Kurt Warner, Brett Favre, or Jeff Garcia.
That quarterback is Jake Plummer.
Whenever Doug Flutie is on the field, I can't watch anything else.
Nothing happens most times but there always the chance something
wild will happen. Like that friend back in college that couldn't
hold their liquor well, was belligerent when drunk, and always drank
to excess, you'd pay admission to watch.
Just to update those that haven't been paying attention but Randy
Moss has yet to have a 100-yard game this season. He also has only
one touchdown.
Week 6's Top-10
St. Louis Rams
Oakland Raiders
New York Giants
Green Bay Packers
Pittsburgh Steelers
Baltimore Ravens
Chicago Bears
San Francisco 49ers
San Diego Chargers
Cleveland Browns
In the who'd a thunk category, the New England Patriots are the
only team in the AFC East to score more points than they have allowed.
Watching the Who - yeah, the rock band - play Saturday night at
the "Concert for New York" was like watching a Hall of
Fame athlete, at the end of their career, summon one last great
performance. They are the greatest rock band of all-time. Bar none.
Mark Bond can be found,
most days, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn, eating hot sausage sandwiches
topped with BBQ chips, chili, and coleslaw, slapping back Cuervo
shooters, and rambling on about those warm evenings spent with Janet
Reno. He is not related to James Bond but has the same air of sophistication
of Sean Connery. Mark is currently annoying his workmates at Jackpot
Sports, home of the first daily fantasy baseball game, the Reggie
Jackson Fantasy Baseball Challenge, plus weekly and seasonal Fantasy
Football games.
