Watching football on Sundays is as American as super-sizing an order
of chili fries. Each game is a wonderful ballet danced by behemoths
on a stage of mud, blood, and spit. While the crunching bones, the
tearing muscles, and the oozing blood are the main focal points;
there are plenty of mini-dramas that make watching more enjoyable.
Sit back in the corner of the couch, suck on a spicy Bloody Mary,
cover yourself with a Charlie Batch game jersey and we will outline
what you should be watching for each game.
Arizona/Giants
Perspective is a wonderful thing. For the Cardinals a 5-7 record
isn't too bad as visions of .500 dance in their heads - obligatory
holiday reference. The Giants have a completely different take on
the situation. Jim Fassel will have to walk the earth with the 5-7
record he's helped forge. The Giants suck, the Cardinals are improving.
All depends on where one has been. The Cardinals have been to prison
and a 5-7 record, which may be a public housing project, is heaven.
The Giants have been the fresh princes of Bel Air and a 5-7 record
is Tora Bora - obligatory Afghanistan reference. Which way this
game goes depends on whether the Giants have already Randy Moss'd.
The Cardinals are sure to be playing for the .500 record but the
Giants have been close to the mountaintop and .500 is not a consolation.
Watch to see if Jason Sehorn is dreaming about a warm fire, a snifter
of brandy, and Angie - I know I am - because David Boston is a monster
and could tear down his house. Watch to see if now that they are
out of the playoffs - has anyone alerted Fassel yet? - Ron Dayne
gets one last chance at starting or if he is done. If he doesn't
get significant time in the last few games, it may be time for him
to see what that University of Wisconsin degree will get him. How
much basket weaving goes on in the "Big Apple?"
Oakland/San Diego
Who is choosing the games for Saturdays? Whoever it is should be
flogged. The Raiders fans and the San Diego fans have had problems
in the past. So much that extra military personnel had to be dragged
back from Khandahar - another obligatory Afghanistan reference -
to police the game. What should we expect from 25,000 fans whose
state of dress would make Marilyn Manson, Gwar, and Britney Spears
blush. You are right, Britney wouldn't blush. What has happened
to the Raiders defense? Darrell Russell has happened. Kick the bastard
when he's down is what you are thinking, well you are wrong. To
some extent. The first four games of the season, Russell was suspended
for being Cheech to someone's bong. At that time the Raiders were
fifth in the NFL against the run. Since Russell has returned they
have been the worst team in the NFL against the run. It has been
pure Ecstasy for Raiders' opponents and, we assume, for Russell
as well. The only thing that could save the Raiders is if the NFL
finally suspends Russell for his hobbies. We think they are dragging
their feet to punish Al Davis. Watch LaDainian Tomlinson who has
slowed so much that a fool on a big sports dot-com, whose name consists
of four letters, named Chris Chambers his Rookie of the Year. If
Tomlinson cuts through the Raiders defense then we know it has gotten
bad. Watch to see if or when Drew Brees gets in the game and then
watch Doug Flutie. His little body will be shaking with anger. Watch
to see if Tyrone Wheatley gets into the mix. There was a sighting
Week 13 but Wheats didn't get enough play to pitch a tent.
New England/Buffalo
This is an important game to gauge the Patriots progress. It is
the first game since Week 2 that isn't a "must win". It
is against a poor opponent. It is away from home. If the Patriots
have their collective eyes on the prize, this will be cake. If they
don't then they have let down at the wrong time. Watch Terry Glenn's
time on the field. He can play and should tear down the Buffalo
secondary. Watch Troy Brown. We have said it more than a few times
that if Randy "Bow-Wow" Moss played with as much heart
as Brown he would blow away Jerry Rice's records. Watch to see if
Peerless Price and Eric Moulds can tear down the Pats secondary.
Their first game was during Rob Johnson's reign of terror so Moulds
and Price had little chance to excel. With Van Pelt this could be
a different story. Wonder if Greg Williams ever questions his decision
on moving to Buffalo. Buffalo is fine in December when you are winning
but when you have a team that fights to get past Carolina, it is
damn cold.
Tampa Bay/Chicago
We have now entered the Tampa Bay cold stadium zone. Don't be afraid
as the bombardment of statistics dealing with temperature and the
Buccaneers road record is meant to inform and that is all it is
meant to do. It is also meant to give mindless announcers, with
little knowledge of the teams they are announcing, something to
discuss. There will be plenty of questions dealing with how a team
could have such a poor record. The answer from the simpletons will
be that the hot weather Bucs can't stand the cold. Why is it only
Tampa and not Miami or Jacksonville, San Diego, or the former franchises
in Los Angeles, Houston, or Arizona - sorry they are still alive
-- that suffers from frostbiteitis? It can't be that only the players
performing for the Buccaneers are a bunch of hothouse flowers. What
is the likelihood of that? Maybe, just maybe instead of this being
a trend due to the weather it is a bit of a coincidence. Maybe it
has to do with Tampa being a hideous franchise for most of their
life, the cold weather games are on the road, and that their cold
weather opponents have been better than they have for most of the
time period. The Bucs, by the way have only five legitimate - they
were 5-4 in the strike year - winning seasons in their history.
Over half that time - 13 seasons -- they have won five game or less
for the year. With that type of record they have losing records
in any type of weather. Under forty degrees, over eighty degrees,
and between 40 and 80 degrees they have sucked. Don't listen to
the nonsense pervaded as knowledge. This year's team has nothing
to do with the team in 1976. Oh and watch to see poor little Warrick
Dunn's time go bye-bye. He is the person blamed for the lack of
scoring or running game. In a week or two he will be back because
Mike "canola hands" Alstott will have dropped a ball at
a crucial time. If Tony Dungy knew anything about offense he would
look at Dunn and see Charlie Garner or Tiki Barber. Instead he looks
at the numbers and blames the runner not the scheme or the line.
They need a coach not a climate change. One last rant. The announcers
will also start humping the fact that Tampa only turns it on when
they are 3-4. Please!
Jacksonville/Cleveland
The Browns are against the wall in their chance to get in the playoffs.
They have games against Jacksonville and Tennessee - reasonable
chances to win. They have games against Green Bay and Pittsburgh
- reasonable chances to lose. Their big game was the last week against
the Patriots. They lost. They lost their chance at the playoffs.
Unless you believe they can take the rest of their schedule. Forget
it. The best that can be said about the Browns is that they have
played hard and that their defensive line - if they can keep Brown
healthy and Warren out of jail - has a chance to be good. Football
success begins at both lines and Cleveland has the defensive line
on line. Now they have to get an offensive line. Hopefully, they
don't waste anymore picks on wide receivers. Watch the play at running
back and at the wide receiver slot opposite Kevin Johnson as those
jobs are up for grabs the end of this season and next season. No
truth to the rumor the Jags players dropped the dime on George O'Leary
and are promoting Tom Coughlin as the new coach at Notre Dame. Those
veteran Jag players have been lighting so many candles for Coughlin's
departure that Jacksonville is now the brightest thing seen from
outer space. There isn't much to watch with the Jags as Fred Taylor
won't be back soon and all we have is the desperate scrambles of
Mark Brunell from opposing linemen and Jimmy Smith from the law.
Minnesota/Detroit
As I said last week, I love these Detroit games for the Lions vs.
Christians aspect. With the Lions playing the part of the Christians.
This is the best game of the year. It pits the worst team and probably
least talented, in the NFL, against a somewhat talented - though
horribly overrated - but horrendously lazy team. The story lines
are all over the map. The Lions can't win, Mike McMahon at QB, Matt
Millen and Marty Morningwheg as Abbott and Costello, Randy Moss
- this weeks poster child of what is wrong with America, or is that
George O'Leary --, Dennis Green's vote of confidence, and Daunte
Culpepper's bad wheel. Not to mention any side events like the selling
of the Vikings, the Pontiac issue with the Lions, or Cris Carter's
retirement. The announcers won't even have to talk about the game
to go the whole three hours. These two teams are "Behind the
Music" specials on their own. Watch for Moss as he should torch
the Lions to the tune of two bills and three scores. If he doesn't
get to them early then it is a day off for Randy. Watch Michael
Bennett as he has had a couple good days lately and could start
putting up consistent numbers. Watch Mike McMahon as Detroit wants
him to succeed. He isn't ready. You won't have to watch Matt Millen,
as he will be on the screen more than the players as the announcers
try to elicit sympathy from the audience. Don't buy it.
Atlanta/Indianapolis
This game could be sponsored by the AARP. The Falcons believe they
are still in the playoffs despite being drubbed by the team they
needed to defeat Week 13. Problem is they are right. And that is
why millions of Atlantans will be up watching the game. Ha, ha,
ha what a joke. There aren't 20 Atlantans that care about the Falcons
what with the Daytona 500 only a couple months away. The NFL should
remove the game from the schedule and reprogram a checkers tournament
in its place. There isn't even any fantasy import unless you own
Peyton Manning or Marvin Harrison. What is a defensive game plan
against the Colts like? See the dorky kid with the wired jaw and
the limp, he is going to throw it to the little fast guy. Tough
to stop that attack. This is a NASCAR type of game as the only reason
to watch is to see all the quarterback sacks and demolition of Manning
and Chandler.
Denver/Kansas City
I never understand the morons that cheer when a player is hurt.
When it is the opposing player do we want to win so badly we wish
someone were maimed. And why cheer when it is your own player that
is hurt. Do the idiots in Denver believe that the offense will suddenly
run better with Gus Frerotte behind center instead of Brian Griese?
If they do, they should hand in their Direct Ticket and the remote,
cuz they know squat. Any chance the Broncos have to go to the playoffs
rests with the health of three players: Griese, Terrell "get
that Chunk Soup out of my face before I mess you" Davis and
Rod Smith. The defense will play reasonably well but without the
three aforementioned players - always wanted to write aforementioned
- the offense is no better than Santa on a snowy day without Rudy
- another obligatory holiday reference. Watch Priest Holmes because
it is fun and we should all do things that are fun. Watch Derrick
Alexander as he could be the player that drags some poor schleps
fantasy team to the moon. Alexander seemed to have Trent Green's
number and they could do some hooking up the next few weeks.
Cincinnati/Jets
A little known fact is that some of the money donated to the Red
Cross the past few months will go to the Cincinnati Bengals Relief
Fund. Can there be a nobler cause? What can one say about a game
with Akili Smith starting at QB other than "Get the Video Tape".
Train wrecks, hurricanes, flash floods, there isn't anything more
devastating than putting Smith behind center. He is to the 1999
QB draft as Todd Blackledge was to the 1983 crew. At QB school all
Akili wanted to learn was how to take a snap. He must've missed
a few of the lectures on passing to the correct jersey or to any
jersey for that matter. The Jets have to take this game seriously.
After losing two games in a row they are near playoff extinction
and could fall even with the Broncos. That ain't going to happen
because they play the Bengals who are destined to finish out the
season 1-3/0-4. Can't wait for the Corey Dillon rants. Dillon will
be one of those players that 30 years from now people will look
at his numbers and wonder why he isn't in the NFL Hall of Fame.
The Bengals are sad and drag everything down with them. Of course,
they are not as sad as Jason Alexander and those KFC ads. Those
are really sad.
Philadelphia/Washington
This is one of the more intriguing matches of the week. The Eagles
are cruising to the NFC East title but there is this small roadblock
in Washington. The Redskins who will look back on this season kicking
themselves about the Chiefs and Cowboys games, have played tough.
And they are the exact type of team - good offensive line and running
game - that can hurt the Eagles. The Eagles defensive line is prone
to problems with the run and now they are hurt. If Stephen Davis
doesn't get 10 carries by the end of the first quarter there should
be an investigation. If the Redskins win, the division is a mess,
because neither the Redskins nor the Eagles have easy roads from
here on out. Winning the division at 9-7 is very possible. Watch
Donovan McNabb. He is the key to this game. He had plenty of trouble
with the 'Skins the last game a few weeks back and if he struggles
again it will be lights out. For those that have kickers in this
game or like to wager a bucket of fried chicken or two, this looks
like a classic 16-13 game. Do the appropriate thing and donate some
of the winnings.
Miami/San Francisco
Was there a bigger moment in capitalism history then when Rob Konrad
took the ball at the end of the game Monday night, bounced off the
line, headed to the goal, and staggered in for the score? Because
the game ended quickly after that play, little was made of it other
than the wink, wink stuff by Al Michaels but millions of dollars
changed hands in those few precious seconds. Now millions - probably
billions -- change hands every NFL day but not in the last minute
and not when it wasn't necessary. Here is the story. The over/under
was somewhere in the 44-45 range. How do I know? I hear things.
Most of the public's money is probably being played on the side
of the over. The Colts are playing to the over and the public is
generally optimistic. How do I know? I hear things. With less than
20 seconds to go the casinos and offshore gambling sites are looking
pretty good as the score is 34-6 and the Dolphins have no reason
to score. Then Konrad does his thing and the whole world is turned
upside down. The losers are winners and the winners are losers.
Those little gambling principalities had less commotion during revolutions.
Wild stuff. Was surprised that Jim Mora didn't grab Wannstedt by
the throat after the run but he knows that Dave wasn't aware of
the play call. Watch Chris Chambers whose hype by teammates is starting
to bear fruit. Watch Lamar Smith as he had a great day -- measured
by Smith's recent standards -- against the Colts but should have
a tougher time against the 49ers. Watch Steve Mariucci as his plan
to play Kevan Barlow over Garrison Hearst was a disaster Week 13.
We expect that he will go back to a saner plan.
Green Bay/Tennessee
This should be a better game but the Titans have long been dead.
The game really is about Green Bay's focus. When faced with tough
opponents, they play well. When faced with the slovenly, they follow
suit. Playing a dead Titans squad we expect plenty of poor Favre
throws, a sleeping Freeman, and maybe a fumble by Ahman Green. As
for the Titans, watch the passing game as suddenly Steve McNair
has air with the return of Derrick Mason. Hey, remember when the
only problem the Titans had was an aging kicker? They need a little
more now.
Dallas/Seattle
For a game that has little to do with the remainder of the football
season, there is plenty of noise being generated by both teams.
Let's start with the Watters/Alexander decision by Holmgren. On
the surface it looks completely idiotic. Give both gentlemen the
ball 20-25 times and we bet that Alexander goes further with it.
We do understand that blocking in the passing game is very important
and if Ricky is that much better at it than Alexander then put him
in on passing downs. We believe that Holmgren is making the change
for another reason that has more to do with next year than this
year. The Seahawks are not going to compete this year - week 13's
loss ended that hope. They could, however, compete next season and
Holmgren may be trying to teach Alexander a lesson that the game
is not just about running with the egg but blocking and running
the correct routes is equally important. If that is not the reason
then I stand by my calling the move idiotic. There was a great moment
on Monday night when Jimmy Johnson - being interviewed at the half
- made a remark about Jerry Jones and Michael Jackson. Everyone
carried it and was excited that Jimmy had made fun of Jerry's 29.99
face job. After getting the chuckle I thought later what a tasteless
remark to make on national TV. It was chickens-t that's what it
was. And if Mr. Johnson ever looks in the mirror he'd realize that
his $3.99 Wal-Mart hairdo is no prize either. The only thing to
watch in this game is the Watters/Alexander playing time. Unless
you have some personal interest in poor quarterback play.
Pittsburgh/Baltimore
The ABC/ESPN family has a nice combination of games with this one
Sunday night and St. Louis/New Orleans Monday. The big doings in
this game isn't so much the Steelers, though the Stewart/Ward combination
is something to watch as is whether Fu will be an adequate replacement
for Jerome Bettis - downgraded to doubtful. We have a good idea
what the Steelers are about but the reigning champions are a little
odd to us. Is the defense able to play to the level they did last
season or are they a notch worse? Who gets the rock, Terry Allen
or Moe Williams? Can Elvis Grbac play like he did with Kansas City
or is he a disappointment? Too many questions and not all can be
answered by a game without Jerome Bettis attending. I'm sure Ray
Lewis is heartbroken.
St. Louis/New Orleans
The first game was full of fireworks with the Rams running all over
the field until Mike Martz and Kurt Warner handed the game to the
Saints. Please don't send any more e-mails coloring that game as
a great Saints defensive comeback as it wasn't. The Rams are their
own worst enemy and their two losses have been due to bad play from
Warner and dumb calls by Martz. If Martz is smart he gives the ball
to Faulk whose last regular season game against the Saints was a
Genghis Khan-like pillaging. The Saints are an enigma wrapped in
a QB's jersey. If Aaron Brooks plays well, the Saints might hang
with the Rams. If not, then we know all we have to know about the
Saints and their playoff chances. Watch Joe Horn, as he has been
nuclear the past few weeks and surely will draw Aeneas Williams.
This is always a fun game for Dennis Miller as he licks Mike Martz
from head to toe. There is more drooling from Miller in this game
than from a pack of congressmen looking at an appropriations bill.
Mark Bond can be found,
most days, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn, eating hot sausage sandwiches
topped with BBQ chips, chili, and coleslaw, slapping back Cuervo
shooters, and rambling on about those warm evenings spent with Janet
Reno. He is not related to James Bond but has the same air of sophistication
of Sean Connery. Mark is currently annoying his workmates at Jackpot
Sports, home of the first daily fantasy baseball game, the Reggie
Jackson Fantasy Baseball Challenge, plus weekly and seasonal Fantasy
Football games.
