Watching football on Sundays is as American as super-sizing an order
of chili fries. Each game is a wonderful ballet danced by behemoths
on a stage of mud, blood, and spit. While the crunching bones, the
tearing muscles, and the oozing blood are the main focal points;
there are plenty of mini-dramas that make watching more enjoyable.
Sit back in the corner of the couch, suck on a spicy Bloody Mary,
cover yourself with a Charlie Batch game jersey and we will outline
what you should be watching for each game.
Dallas/Detroit
Before we talk about this monumental matchup of football acumen,
let's note one important aspect of Week 17. Other than Week 1, it
is the most unpredictable week of the year. Plenty of teams will
not be playing hard due to any number of reasons some of which include
resting players for playoffs, total lack of interest, and end of
the season orgy Saturday night. In the case of Minnesota, it will
be Sunday evening. Is there a lovelier match than one with Detroit
to kickoff the festivities? Did not think so. The Lions suck, they
have sucked all season long, and without a mercy win over the Vikings,
would've been the only 0-16 team in the history of the NFL. Once
they won the game against the Vikings any semblance of hard play
spewed into the sewer. Consequently, they have been trashed the
past few weeks. There is nothing to look at in Detroit lest your
head turn to stone. Dallas, on the other boot, has played hard and
their defense miraculously has kept their offense in games. We would
say to watch Carter but how much can be derived from his game against
the undead. The player to watch is Emmitt Smith who, after being
left for dead, has put together a nice run of games leaving him
in position for his 11th straight season over 1,000 yards and within
sight of Walter Payton's rushing record. There are many reasons
why he sits at the precipice of the record, including having a great
offensive line for the first half of his career, but one of the
main reasons is that he was healthy enough to play in a minimum
of 14 games each season. In the pantheon of NFL history he may not
be one of the top-5 great running backs but he will be the one with
the most rushing yards and rushing scores. One other thing to watch
is how quickly the Cowboys retool with all their extra money. It
would be shocking if they did not pick up a legit veteran QB to
run the show for 2002.
Cincinnati/Tennessee
All of those that had Eddie George this season and watched him walk
through a miserable - on a per-game average he is about the 25th
best RB that has played a min of 10 games - season must've been
really happy to see him play like the Eddie George we expected Week
16. Sure you were. The mother deserted your bleaching carcass on
the side of the road - in fantasy terms that means 4-10 and out
of the playoffs - while he gets revved for next season with a huge
game that would've been your Super Bowl victory. Nice guy. He ends
the season against the Bengals who seem to still have a little life
in them making this one of the better matches of the week. Except,
Corey Dillon is whining about his sad state of affairs having to
play for the loser Bengals. He did end Week 16 banged up and if
he wants could beg out. We have heard nothing to suggest this however.
Watch the Titans as they are on a mission to end the season on an
up note. Derrick Mason and Steve McNair are firing and this could
be a fun game with both teams trying to imitate Texas/Washington.
Even Jon Kitna could play another shockingly good game. That is
if the Titans secondary whiffs, like the Steelers did, on all those
moonballs he was pitching.
Denver/Indianapolis
Allegedly Jim Mora could survive the purge that looked definite
six weeks ago as Colts players are coming to his aid. Except for
Edgerrin James, who has made it known that he wishes to play in
Miami. Now, James is from South Florida and the main reason could
be he is homesick but we think that the main reason is that buff
women and men don't walk the streets of Indianapolis in thongs the
way they do in South Beach. A man has to have his priorities. This
has all the earmarks of a Denver smackdown on Indy, as the Broncos
seem to be playing for a good record while the Indy defense is helpless
to stop the rampaging hordes. Watch Terrell Davis as he has yet
to score a TD and it is likely that he will be given the opp. Plus,
the Broncos have to a make a decision on his ass and if he ends
the season on an uptick it may be hard to let him go. Watch Jason
Elam's fantasy value drop about 10 places on the draft list as he
may be playing his last game for Denver and won't have the skinny
air helping him boot bonus yardage field goals. Watch Peyton Manning
heave a huge sigh of relief after what has been a nightmare season.
The man survived everything but Ebola since training camp.
Buffalo/Miami
One note that is Miami related but not Dolphins related. Larry Coker,
coach of the University of Miami football team, with his hat off,
looks every bit like Max Schreck or Nosferatu without, of course,
the pointy teeth or long, sharp fingernails. This game will be played
hard, as Buffalo seems to be trying to finish the season well, though
we wonder if they will mail it in after defeating the Jets and chasing
a bit of the strange on the beaches and in the clubs of Miami. In
addition the Dolphins will have a fighting chance at the division
crown, a home playoff game, and a bye. We think that Eric Moulds'
mind may be on other things as he has started talking about playing
hoops in the NBA. He was a Kentucky recruit so, back in high school,
Moulds had some ballin' skills but it has been around 10 years since
high school and those guys in the NBA have been living and breathing
hoop while he has been living and breathing pig. Maybe he and Randy
Moss, Tony Gonzalez, Roy Jones Jr., and Charles Barkley can barnstorm
with a Harlem Globetrotters-like troupe to get the ballin' out of
their veins. We think Eric would rather have the scratch given to
him to play pig than to watch from the bench of the NBDL. Watch
Travis Minor as everyone and his brother wants the Miami RB job
for 2002 but Sunday may be his best day to hold off all applicants.
San Francisco/New Orleans
The only good point - ok, there are two. Let me start over. The
only good points for people with San Francisco players is that they
are a.) playing for a home field berth at the same time the Packers
are playing for a home field berth and b.) playing the Saints who
have all but packed the bags and headed for home. Matter-of-fact
if the Saints were a human being we'd be sending flowers and a lovely
card of condolence because they have taken a dirt nap round about
the same time they found Albert Connell's hands on Deuce McAllister's
coins. Speaking of death and sending a card, why doesn't the U.S.
Post Office make stamps for such an occasion? Nothing worse than
sending a condolence card and looking at your supply of stamps to
see the only ones available are of Santa or a goofy snowman. No
I'm not suggesting a stamp with the Grim Reaper or a headstone.
Ghouls! Though those would be cool for other instances. I guess
a stamp with flowers or birds or some such thing would be appropriate.
We digress. Hey, how about Ricky Williams trying to race out of
town and beat Edgerrin James to Miami? Ricky obviously doesn't understand
the salary cap implications or the fact that Miami's offensive line
is a sieve but it ain't going to happen, even if the Saints would
like to trade the problematic but talented back. Nice to see his
mind is on the upcoming game. If I were Jim Haslett, Deuce would
be playing and Ricky would be observing. Of course, if I were Jim
Haslett I might be looking at job opportunities because the way
this team played down the stretch sends serious questions about
Haslett's abilities to coach. Watch Terrell Owens as he may takeoff
in this game against a secondary with little talent and less desire.
Green Bay/Giants
If anyone out there in Internet land can come up with a reason for
schools to continue teaching elementary school children to write
in cursive, I'd love to hear it. Sorry, just something I was pondering.
This game has little on the Giants side other than a win would bolster
Jim Fassel's return and an embarrassing loss may hasten his departure.
The Packers can finish anywhere from second to fifth in the playoff
seeding, which could mean a bye and home field for two games - the
best scenario - or a visit to Candlestick in the Wildcard round
- worst case. The Packers home field is a huge advantage and could
swing the playoffs for them. Sadly, their fate is tied with this
game, the Bears game, and the 'Niners game. That's what happens
when you tank games against the Vikings. Watch the Tiki Barber/Ron
Dayne situation as Dayne keeps popping up, like Peter Lorre in "The
Maltese Falcon". Fassel keeps resurrecting the bastard when
they have a perfectly good back in Tiki Barber. It makes little
sense. Watch the wide receivers for the Pack as the Giants secondary
is depleted and Angie Harmon may be back there - better than hubby.
Watch Michael Strahan as he attempts to wipe Mark Gastineau from
the record books but mainly watch Brett Favre. If he wants to win
this game, the Packers will win. If he is nonchalant, the Packers
will lose because the Giants will play hard to reach .500.
Philadelphia/Tampa Bay
These two play each other next week in Philly in the first round
of the playoffs and we suspect that both teams will lay down not
trying to get hurt or give away next week's secrets. Andy Reid is
talking the good talk about his team wanting to win and the type
of crap that is in the Coaches Handbook of Stupid Phrases. What
else is he going to say? What he hopes is that they can all kneel
down and run out the clock by the end of the first quarter. Watch
to see if Warren Sapp can get the requisite 16 sacks he would need
to pass Gastineau. Sapp is the correct last name, by the way. The
announcers will start talking about Tampa and 40-degree weather,
as it is generally cool in Philly in January. There is little to
watch here.
Arizona/Washington
Amazingly, the most interesting game on the board could be this.
Who'd a thunk it? Both teams have played tough in the second half
- Washington 4-3 with 93 points allowed and Arizona 5-2 with 169
points for - and one of these teams will finish the season 8-8,
possibly in second place for the division and, on paper, potentially
a game out of the playoffs. Watch Leonard Davis and the battle between
Pittman and Jones in Arizona. Watch to see how the Redskin players
react to hitting practices when the season is over. If there were
ever a reason to pull a Fletcher Christian, that could be one. Watch
the battle between Champ Bailey and David Boston, as it could be
something to see for the next few seasons. Two things before we
leave. Joe Theisman is promoting Marty Schottenheimer for Coach
of the Year. There is nothing more ridiculous. Schottenheimer's
handprints were all over the 0-5 start and even an 8-3 finish -
7-1 against non-playoff teams - can't wipe that stain from his resume.
The Coach of the Year is Bill Belichick who took a 5-11 team from
2000 that looked worse and turned it into a potential division winner
and No. 2 seed in the AFC. Plus, let's not forget that Schottenheimer's
team was a year removed from Super Bowl hype. The other thing is
statistical nonsense but in six of the Redskins last seven games
the opposition has scored either 10 or 20 points. Don't know what
it means, but it is a fact.
New England/Carolina
Is there anything more asinine than the Panthers with three Pro
Bowlers? A team that is potentially 1-15 shouldn't have any, not
an alternate, and not even allow the trainer to attend. If they
go it should be to wash the feet of, and help dress the, real players.
Strangely, Steve Smith and Todd Sauerbrun do deserve the accolade.
This game has dual intrigue. The Patriots can clinch a division,
and, possibly, a bye with a victory plus both teams head to this
game in completely opposite directions. The Pats are winners of
five straight while the Panthers have lost fourteen straight. A
Patriots loss or even close win will throw some big flags in their
direction. Anything the Panthers do beyond self-immolation is positive.
Can they really ask George "I rode Jerry Rice's coattails"
Seifert back for another season? Not if they want fannies in the
seats, they can't.
Atlanta/St. Louis
For any fantasy league still in progress, this is the big game of
the week. How much will Marshall Faulk or Kurt Warner play? If the
Bears lose to Jacksonville, the Rams can get home field throughout
the playoffs win or lose and then Mike Martz will sit Faulk and
Warner for, at least, a half but if the Bears win, the Rams have
to beat Atlanta to clinch. Everyone with Marshall Faulk is rooting
the Bears home. On the Atlanta side of the coin it is all about
Michael Vick. Dan Reeves has said that Chandler will play, if healthy,
which is insane. What good does it do for Chandler to play? Unless,
Reeves is worried about his job and needs a good game win or lose
and figures only Chandler can help him. How about Tony Martin's
exit? We assume that the end is quite close for Martin and he will
only be asked back to some bedraggled franchise for cheap and as
a backup. See ya Tony, you'll always have San Diego and Stan Humphries.
Jets/Oakland
This is an important game for both teams and should be played at
a fever pitch but what has happened here. The Jets need a win to
get in the playoffs, which seemed a foregone conclusion when they
were 7-3, but a 2-3 finish with an inexplicable loss to the Bills
Week 16 has them needing a win, or help, to play and lose in the
first round. Vinny's time has come. His career has been up and down
- mainly down - and he is done. Strangely, the Raiders need this
game for home field particulars, as well as some pride, as they
have fallen to 2-3 the last five - easily could've been 0-5. And
in the last week things aren't going right for the "men in
black" as Jerry Rice's father is ill, which may have Rice in
Mississippi and not California Sunday, Sebastian Janikowski has
another bout of cellulitis, which had him in the hospital Wednesday
and probably keeps him from kicking Sunday, and Rich Gannon spoke
out about the team needing discipline. No, Al Davis is not consulting
Marv Albert on that one. Not the best of times for this type of
karma. Almost forgot the long awaited Darrell Russell suspension
for Ecstasy. Not only did Russell miss four games at the beginning
of the season for drugs but also wasted most of the year trying
to get his game face on and then gets nailed for another drug problem.
Who the hell are his advisors, Cypress Hill? He is "Insane
in the Membrane" and going to be very light in the wallet.
Did we forget the Vinny tirade against Paul Hackett's play calling?
As if Vinny didn't make a bonehead play in his storied career. Penn
State Vinny, Penn State. Maybe they should play this game on the
Jerry Springer set cuz these two teams have some issues.
Jacksonville/Chicago
The Chicago Bears could be the No. 1 seed in the NFC. This is beyond
the Gary Crowell offense and Cade McNown, this has been done the
old-fashioned way with a solid run game, a great run defense, and
few errors. This game is a good test for the Bears as the Jags have
been playing tough football. They won three of their last four -
granted, none against a quality team - and had three quality losses
earlier. Quality loss is that an oxymoron? Whatever. They have been
playing better lately but not amongst themselves. Tom Coughlin,
feeling the pinch of a losing record, gave a kick to Mike Hollis
after the kicker missed a field goal near the end of the second
half against the Chiefs Week 16. Jacksonville lost the game by four
and had the ball deep in KC territory at the end. If Hollis makes
the field goal and then kicks the field goal at the end, the Jags
win. That type of connecting the dots is for fans not head coaches
as Coughlin should know, unless he really has slipped deep into
his Captain Queeg persona, that many decisions would change due
to a change in score. Ah, but that wasn't the end to the Jags dysfunction.
Hollis came back and told tales out of school about Coughlin that
makes the term martinet sound almost Mr. Rogersian. Seems this Mr.
Blackwell of the gridiron was fining players for small fashion faux
pas like having an overcoat that was too long. We aren't quite sure
what he might do if a player's shoes didn't match his shirt but
maybe that explains the multiple suspensions to R.J. Soward or his
icy relationship with Mark Brunell could've begun over Labor Day
and a white suit. Not much to watch on the player side of things
other than a solid win by the Bears makes the Rams have to play
and half of the fantasy world will be smiling.
Kansas City/Seattle
This is another game where both teams will be playing hard. The
Chiefs have finished the season strong winning three straight and
four of their last six with the two losses to playoff bound Philly
and Oakland. Much of this has been done on the back of Priest Holmes
and an improved defense but it hasn't hurt that Trent Green is finally
getting his starting receivers back on the field. Seattle still
has a breathing shot at the playoffs but needs a loss by either
the Jets or Baltimore to get in. It is entirely possible but not
entirely likely, either. They will play with the greatest QB in
the country, soon to have his own major motion picture, Mr. Undefeatable
Trent Dilfer. In the previous match, the Chiefs beat Seattle by
gaining over 200 yards more than the Seahawks and running 23 more
plays. Most of the damage done by the Chiefs was on the ground by
Priest Holmes. It didn't hurt that they were able to stop Shaun
Alexander. Is there anything that can change the outcome, especially
with the Chiefs playing even better? Have we mentioned Mr. Undefeatable?
That is a big difference but it will all come down to whether the
Seahawks can stop Holmes. If they can't, they probably don't deserve
to be in the playoffs. What happens if the Seahawks do make the
playoffs and Matt Hasselbeck is healthy?
Cleveland/Pittsburgh
Not much here as the Steelers are not about to risk Kordell, Bettis
- we hear the man is breathing --, or Hinesy and Plax. What really
will be of interest is if the team can win by running Fu and playing
tough D. I think they can. The Browns will have to pass, which may
not be bad after seeing what Jon Kitna's aerial assault produced.
It could work but the Steelers will try hard not to lose two in
a row to end the year and the defense will be a bit stiffer than
they might have been a week ago. Watch how much pressure is applied
to Couch as that may show what game the Steelers are bringing. Watch
Tommy Maddox, as this might be his biggest game since the old XFL
days.
Minnesota/Baltimore
A lot has changed in this game over the season. It first looked
like a great match at the end of the year between two playoff teams.
Then it turned into a match with one playoff team and a bottom-feeder.
Now it is a life and death struggle for Baltimore to make the playoffs.
With the Giants already out, has there been a year when the previous
year's Super Bowl combatants missed the playoffs? Now there are
the added twists of Tony Siragusa retiring - we thought he already
had - and Dennis Green being fired. Siragusa has wanted to be a
football player for the past few years without doing the off-season
work and knew he wouldn't be able to get away with it any longer.
For Green it is time to go. The team is a mess. It lacks talent
and some of the talent they have lacks maturity. For Green it may
be the best thing in the world to get out from under Randy Moss
and Cris Carter. Watch Moss as we figure he goes off this week.
Watch Ray Lewis if the playoffs are on the line as he may win the
game by himself. Watch the stuff thrown at Elvis Grbac. We can't
believe another pro QB could make Trent Dilfer look like a god but
Grbac is doing it. If Seattle and the Jets win, root hard for the
Vikings as a little humility would be nice for Brian Billick.
Mark Bond can be found,
most days, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn, eating hot sausage sandwiches
topped with BBQ chips, chili, and coleslaw, slapping back Cuervo
shooters, and rambling on about those warm evenings spent with Janet
Reno. He is not related to James Bond but has the same air of sophistication
of Sean Connery. Mark is currently annoying his workmates at Jackpot
Sports, home of the first daily fantasy baseball game, the Reggie
Jackson Fantasy Baseball Challenge, plus weekly and seasonal Fantasy
Football games.
