Thank you for all the cards and letters reminding this dumbass that
the Houston Texans - is that the worst name in sports? - are getting
the first pick in the 2002 draft and not the New England Patriots.
The Patriots, fortunately, will get pick two. Now back to the regular
programming.
Watching football on Sundays is as American as super-sizing an order
of chili fries. Each game is a wonderful ballet danced by behemoths
on a stage of mud, blood, and spit. While the crunching bones, the
tearing muscles, and the oozing blood are the main focal points;
there are plenty of mini-dramas that make watching more enjoyable.
Sit back in the corner of the couch, suck on a spicy Bloody Mary,
cover yourself with a Charlie Batch game jersey and we will outline
what you should be watching for each game.
Pittsburgh/Buffalo
How many shots of Bill Cowher's jaw line can we take? Don't know
about you but I'm done by shot No. 3. The ongoing saga of the Bills
is Rob Johnson and his maternal attachment to the football. "Let
that mother leave the nest, surf geek" is what I'm yelling
at the tube for half a game. There have been more than a few poor
decisions regarding quarterbacks - Tony Banks doesn't get to unpack
his BVD's before he's canned, Jeff George done by Week 2 - but the
choice of Johnson over Flutie was pure idiocy. Take the guy with
the physical tools and no instinct over the guy that has dragged
every sorry team on his back to winning seasons. Sure he is short
and his style is a little frenetic, the little bastard would kill
for a win while Johnson doesn't even know the final score most games.
Watch how well Bettis does against the Bills defense. Those extra
carries by Amos Zereoue Week 1 are a little disconcerting for the
Bettis owners.
Miami/St. Louis
This is the premier game on the schedule with two semi-legitimate
Super Bowl contenders in an early season free-for-all. Will the
Miami secondary hold down the Rams wide receivers or will Isaac
Bruce, Torry Holt, and the rest of the 4x100 relay team char Sam
Madison, Patrick Surtain et, al. For Miami this is a prelude to
their battles with the Colts. If they can slow the Rams, they can
slow the Colts. That may change whether they have to throw the ball
or try and grind it with Lamar Smith. If Miami can't stop the Rams,
the season is over. They did a fine job with the AARP troupe in
Oakland but neither Rice nor Brown can get out of the blocks, like
Bruce or Holt.
Tampa Bay/Minnesota
Imagine living with Warren Sapp for two weeks without football.
All that trash talk must be hard to take after a while. He will
be able to start woofin' minutes after the game starts and all will
be right with the world. The woofin' we want to see is the Jerry
Springer Show live from the Vikings huddle. Cris Carter, Randy Moss,
and Daunte Culpepper were fighting harder than a set of triplets
scrapping over the same gay stepbrother boyfriend. What entertainment!
I'm telling ya, if there is a perfect reason for Tivo or a living
room port-a-potty this will be it. The real thing to watch really
isn't the Vikings offense against the Tampa defense but the Tampa
offense against the Vikings defense. If the Vikings let the Buccaneers
walk over them the way the Bears did, they are truly done. For the
Vikings this is a sports cliché game if there ever was one.
Doug Chapman owners, hang onto those tickets as Miracle Mike Bennett
seems to need those free Wisconsin shoes to run better and faster.
Indianapolis/New England
Is this Georgia Tech/Cumberland College? Could it be Mike Tyson/Michael
Spinks? Maybe it is a rack of ribs, a rack of Bass, and me. Whatever
it is, it should be a bloodbath the proportions of which we have
never seen and may never see. The Colts enter Foxboro with Wagner's
Ride of Valkyries as soundtrack, the Patriots have a scratched version
of Bread's Greatest Hits - the one your sister Janet played over
and over and over again tormenting you with each scratch, pop, and
wheeze. The Colts have tortured the Jets and Bills the previous
weeks while the Patriots lost to the Bengals and Jets. They also
lost Drew Bledsoe. That puts novice Tom Brady in the chair. He will
have as much success as Marcia Brady would have putting points on
the board. Yeah the Colts can't stop a cold on defense but the Patriots
can't raise a sneeze. This is for followers of the Marquis de Sade
only.
New Orleans/New York Giants
Much will be made of the Giants return to New York, and while that
is important, don't miss this in-season playoff game. The Giants
and Saints both made the playoffs a year ago and both would like
to return. The battle to watch is in the trenches. Okay, that is
about as exciting as watching Uncle Jed pick his teeth after Thanksgiving
dinner. Look for the Giants defensive line to try to hold back the
Saints offensive line. If they can, it may be curtains for the Saints,
if not then Ricky Williams controls the game. As a sideline, watch
which receiver Willie Jackson or Albert Connell gets the love from
Aaron Brooks.
Kansas City/Washington
The losing coach should be fired in this game - hold the tears,
Vermeil. Both these guys ran out on jobs only to step back in when
the money got too good to pass. Don't give me any of the crap about
love of the game. This was money love, only. Both come into the
game hampered by more than greed, the Chiefs don't have any wide
receivers talented enough to get on the Rio Mesa JV's and the Redskins
are playing Tony Banks at quarterback. Tony Banks! Jesus, that's
like bringing Jack the Ripper home to introduce to Mom and Dad.
Watch the play at running back as Holmes is getting last rites as
a starter and Stephen Davis looks ready to take wing. What would
you do? Give the rock 40 times to Davis or watch Banks drop the
damn thing every other time he steps into the pocket. I vote to
tire out Davis. One other thing to watch is how many bodies get
draped over Tony Gonzalez. He is going to get more action than Tyra
Banks crowd-surfing at a Limp Bizkit concert.
Green Bay/Carolina
The Pack is back! Damn, said that last week. Green Bay eviscerated
the Redskins Monday night as the 'skins gave up on defense in the
latter stages of the game. There is nothing you can take from either
game that the Packers have played. They have faced two of the worst
teams in the league and how good they are won't be determined until
Week 5 and their match with the Buccaneers. This is a bump in the
road for the Pack if they are really a good team. Watch for Corey
Bradford as they have always been intrigued with his athletic abilities.
On the Panther's side of the ball watch the mess at running back
to see if there are signs of life from Richard Huntley. He is the
favorite but he must learn the playbook and stay healthy. Also watch
to see how many passes get in the hands of whining Wesley Walls.
Hey Wes, stay healthy and you will get plenty of passes.
Atlanta/Arizona
Arizona is large parcel of land covered mostly in sand. There's
bad craziness out in that desert as survivalists hating "The
Man" explode piles of cow dung, hippies living on peyote, oxygen,
and soybeans chant incessantly, and, of course, Cardinal fans. The
Cardinal fans are the worst. A small band of loons that believe
football can be played on sand and in 120-degree heat. For over
a dozen years they have held out even though there are years worth
of evidence to the contrary. As for the game, the Falcons have little
to prove, as we know they will run Jamal Anderson against a weak
Cardinals defense. Terance Mathis may even see a pass or two but
that isn't why we are here. We are here for the second installment
of the Cardinals offense as fantasy entity. The big question is
who handles the avocado at running back. Thomas Jones started the
first game as Michael Pittman was serving his time for being a poor
example of a human being. Jones had a few moments that were good
but never gave the feeling that you could move the ball, for an
extended period of time, with him in the backfield. The passing
game has slightly less intrigue as David Boston is for real and
with a lack of pass rush, Jake Plummer should be satisfactory.
Cincinnati/San Diego
Two days of hyperbaric rehab hasn't shaken the disbelief that the
winner of this game is a legitimate playoff contender as all they
will have to do is play .500 ball the rest of the way. Reality can
be a cold, harsh, mistress but this time it is wearing a jester's
hat and funny shoes. This game is one of wills along the lines.
The overfed troops for both teams will determine the outcome. How
good is that defensive line in San Diego? If they can control Corey
Dillon it will say a lot about the immediate future of the Chargers.
On the other hand will Tomlinson continue to move the chains with
a line made up of bouncers from bowery bars? And watching Doug Flutie
is always a gas. If at all possible watch this game as a historical
event, not so much a football event. We may never cross this point
in the universe again.
Cleveland/Jacksonville
The Jaguars are poised to take a big lead over opponents Tennessee
and Baltimore with a victory over the Browns. If they can't beat
the Browns, they aren't deserving of any gold. What to watch is
whether Stacey Mack - first female NFL player - can do an adequate
Fred Taylor imitation. No, not the one that has HMO's all over the
land drooling but the one that takes the pineapple over the big
stripe. If Mack succeeds that limits what the Browns can do on defense,
as they can't blanket Jimmy Smith and Keenan McCardell. This could
be a big offensive show for the Jaguars. On the Browns side of the
ball, it will be interesting to get a clue of which receiver can
be No. 1, numero uno, the big salami. Tim Couch has yet to give
us a sign.
Seattle/Oakland
We always envision Arizona or Florida as the place where old folks
go to die but in football geriatrics specialists point to Oakland
as the place for the eternal dirt nap. Tim Brown and Jerry Rice
didn't look too spry against the Dolphins Week 2 but they play the
youthful, inexperienced, and pedestrian cornerbacks of Seattle Week
3. If they can't get past them, they won't be playing in the big
dance - site to be determined at a later date. Look for that and
for which back is winning the battle of the egg. At this point it
looks like a draw but Garner is the more versatile back and for
them to move the ball consistently, Garner may be the answer. We
won't find that out this week. The Seahawks are a Lindell field
goal from being completely destitute. This is a tough game for the
game Seahawks as the passing offense hasn't caught on at all and
their whole offense is Ricky Watters. This is not the best arena
for them to pull out the 300-yard passing attack. See if they can
at least hold the Raiders to under that ceiling.
Baltimore/Denver
This is the most entertaining game on the weekly docket. A repeat
of last year's 21-3 drubbing by the Ravens in the playoffs would
be shocking as the Ravens don't have Jamal Lewis to tear down the
Broncos' stable. We could say that the Broncos are hamstrung without
Ed McCaffrey but that didn't seem to bother them against the malodorous
secondary of the Cardinals. The Ravens are not great against the
pass but they are better than most and will keep a platoon of fast
men on Rod Smith. The most intriguing question involves the running
games of both teams. Brian Billick - I am the smartest man in the
world - believes that 75-year old Terry Allen can gain yards while
using a cane. "He's running hard" is Billick's answer
to criticisms of Allen. What does that mean? Mrs. Fields could line
up in the backfield and run hard but we don't suspect the attractive
cookie hawker would get much further than the Gray Panthers backfield
that the Ravens currently employ. Does Jason Brookins or Moe Williams
get a chance or will Billick run the ship into the rocks? And what
about the Broncos backfield? Mike Anderson or Olandis Gary is like
asking the great questions of society - for the initiated those
are Ginger or Mary Ann, boxers or briefs, and do you want fries
with that. Anderson starts, Gary relieves and projecting their numbers
is for Haitian voodoo priestesses with the NFL package.
Dallas/Philadelphia
Hey Jerry Jones, with those fast receivers you've got going dusty
because Quincy Carter and Anthony Wright can't hit a tub of ketchup
with a fist of fries how about an upgrade. This guy has a few miles
on him and is a little testy getting out of the garage but he can
move that pig from 0-to-60 faster than any right or left arm out
there. His name? Well, it is, ahem, Jeff George. Okay, he is not
Troy Aikman. Who is? He will be a supreme pain in the ass but he
will insure at least four wins because he will find Joey Galloway
on the fly. And that means some entertainment as well. Hey how about
that an entertaining team in Big D. Nothing wrong with that Mr.
Plastic Surgery, is there? Of course this won't happen but without
someone that can stretch the field with Galloway, there is no reason
not to have all 11 players up in the box daring the Cowboys to pass
the rock. The Cowboys won't dare pass against the Eagles very often
as the Eagles will tear them to shreds with their excellent defensive
backfield and pass rush. The only thing that keeps this game close
is if the Eagles can't run the ball. The person to watch is rookie
Correll Buckhalter. If he can move the ball on the ground, this
game is over by the half and Staley owners should be putting their
hands on this valuable backup.
San Francisco/New York Jets
There will be an emotional tribute to begin the game, which will
inspire the Jets temporarily but that stuff rarely lasts past the
opening hits. What must last is the Jets passing game, which has
been grounded for the first two weeks as Vinny Testaverde, and his
receivers haven't figured out the intricacies of the West Coast
offense. Give them a break, they are only football players not rocket
scientists. At MIT they run some offenses from beyond the ozone
but they are rocket scientists or potential ones. These are football
players. The last book larnin' they did was at middle school. The
49ers defense is improved but not to the point that they can win
games with it. If the Jets don't move the ball effectively through
the air it is going to have a decided negative affect on Curtis
Martin as defenses start to creep ever closer to the line of scrimmage.
The 'Niners have that dastardly problem of two running backs and
one ball. They will start Garrison Hearst - last seen proclaiming
he was Batman - but rookie Kevan Barlow looked faster and more powerful
against the Rams Week 2. This will be interesting to see how it
plays. The other thing to watch against the Jets is whether Tai
Streets or JJ Stokes can find any free space. If they can't get
free, start downgrading all Jeff Garcia projections..
Mark Bond can be found,
most days, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn, eating hot sausage sandwiches
topped with BBQ chips, chili, and coleslaw, slapping back Cuervo
shooters, and rambling on about those warm evenings spent with Janet
Reno. He is not related to James Bond but has the same air of sophistication
of Sean Connery. Mark is currently annoying his workmates at Jackpot
Sports, home of the first daily fantasy baseball game, the Reggie
Jackson Fantasy Baseball Challenge, plus weekly and seasonal Fantasy
Football games.
