Watching football on Sundays is as American as super-sizing an order
of chili fries. Each game is a wonderful ballet danced by behemoths
on a stage of mud, blood, and spit. While the crunching bones, the
tearing muscles, and the oozing blood are the main focal points;
there are plenty of mini-dramas that make watching more enjoyable.
Sit back in the corner of the couch, suck on a spicy Bloody Mary,
cover yourself with a Charlie Batch game jersey and we will outline
what you should be watching for each game.
San Francisco/Atlanta
The second game in a row at home for the Falcons and their tiny
band of fans. This game could give them another close look at first
round draft pick Michael Vick. Of course, coach Dan Reeves may be
scared by last week's performance by Vick, as he wasn't quite sure
of the playbook. How unsure was he? Well, the rumors that Terance
Mathis was diagramming plays in the turf apparently aren't true
but he did advise Vick on which direction the team was heading a
few times. Reeves said he would trim down the playbook from "War
and Peace" size to "How to Floss in Three Easy Steps."
If Vick gets in the game, opposed to No. 3 Doug Johnson or to "I
am Batman" Chris Chandler, it will be entertaining. It will
remind farming folk of chickens post slaughter. There isn't much
else to watch for Atlantans as the team is done. On the 49ers side
see if either wide receiver - Tai Streets or JJ Stokes -- will help
Owens and Garcia, if not, then continue to downgrade Garcia. Watch
the defensive line, as well, as we figure the Falcons to run and
the 49ers to stack the line like the British stacked the line against
the original Patriots. The original Patriots.
Arizona/Chicago
The Cardinals came off a miracle win against the Eagles Week 4 as
the Eagles looked at the travel brochures and cleaned their clubs.
The Cardinals are not very good defensively and about average offensively
so they are going to lose most weeks. This is most weeks. The Bears
have a good defense that can, primarily, stop the run. Their offense
isn't any better then the Cardinals - here come the angry e-mails
- as the running game hasn't gotten going. The passing game, however,
caught fire the last few weeks and against the Cardinals should
have a Soldier's Field Day. Sorry. If this game is lopsided in scoring,
don't look at the offenses as the culprits but the defenses. That
will be the difference. Watch to see if the Cardinals can run against
Ted Washington and Keith Traylor, if they can't the game is probably
over. Also see if MarTay Jenkins is for real as the Cardinals are
hurting at wide receiver opposite David Boston and if Jenkins can
free the single coverage, Jake Plummer's stock takes another step
forward. The Bears and their fanatical hordes - more e-mails - are
looking at the playoffs with this 2-1 start. If they can pull off
the win they step up to 3-1 and the loons will start producing another
Super Bowl rap video. Is William Perry still alive? The important
thing to watch is the amount of carries Anthony Thomas - "A-Train"
is a great nickname - receives over James Allen. The Cardinals can't
stop the run so Allen could get the good start but Thomas may be
in the game plan to share and that will tell the tale where this
competition is headed.
Cleveland/Cincinnati
The Browns and their fans have the "Dog Pound" what do
the Bengals have, "Kitty Litter?" The Browns are getting
lots of good press off the 3-1 and they should be happy but the
season doesn't start for Cleveland until Week 6 and the game against
Baltimore. Not that the game with Cincinnati is a cakewalk as the
Bengals are improved and, at home, should prove to be difficult
to tangle with. Watch for the Bengals running game as that is the
key to winning. Corey Dillon is due for a big game and the defense
of the Browns is softer against the run than they have been against
the pass. And the Bengals are a better running team than passing
team. If the Browns can contain Dillon, the game should be theirs.
That may be easier said than done. The Browns at 4-1 is unimaginable
but so were the Browns at 3-1, 2-1, and 1-1. This is a dire game
for the Bengals to keep life in their fraudulent record. If that
means we are pushing you to a Bengals victory party, forget it.
Baltimore/Green Bay
This is one of the good games on the schedule Week 5 as it pits
the 3-1 Ravens and the 3-1 Packers on the frozen tundra - that is
redundant - of Lambeau Field. The Ravens and Packers are the two
best teams in the league statistically on defense. The Ravens have
a more believable resume as they beat the Broncos and stopped their
excellent running attack. The Packers' stats are pretty but they
have achieved them against some of the worst offenses in the league.
How awful have the Packers' opponents been? The Carolina Panthers
are the best offense they have faced averaging 15.2 points per game.
That places the Panthers twenty-fourth in the league. We aren't
totally skeptical about their defense but would like to see them
play a good team before putting them in the category of Tampa or
Baltimore. The key to this game will be whether one team can run
on the other. The Packers are the better running team but the Ravens
are very tough against the run. If neither can run it comes down
to the passing games and the kicking games. The Packers have the
better QB but the Ravens might have the better receivers. The Packers
have the better kicker. This is a game for field goal lovers. Look
for how many times Antonio Freeman is targeted as his whining lately
may make him the keyed receiver for a few plays. If he can't get
open, watch Corey Bradford as he is seeing more and more passes.
Tampa Bay/Tennessee
How quickly have the Titans fallen? How much further is the fall?
The offense is stagnant. Only Detroit and Washington have scored
fewer points-per-game. Only Dallas, Cincinnati, and Washington have
gained fewer yards-per-game. It is not going to get much better.
Granted, they have played a good set of defensive teams and that
has been some of the reason for the problems but let's be honest
they have only one superior offensive player and that is Eddie George.
The wide receivers are a little above 1-AA quality and the passer
- remember when he was called "Air" McNair - is inept.
The offensive line is being shuffled and the ability of Jeff Fisher
is in question. They are done and this season is a mess. Watch to
see how many passes go beyond 20 yards. They have completed only
one pass that distance or longer this season. See if they throw
the ball to George a little more than they have. Problem is they
play the Bucs. The way to attack the Bucs is to run the ball. And
keep running it. That should be the game plan of the Titans. The
Bucs really haven't looked as good as they thought they might offensively.
Losing Warrick Dunn didn't help Week 4 but even with Dunn the running
game was slow to develop and they don't pass the ball down the field
enough to pull the opposition off the line. Watch to see if the
Bucs will try and toss the pig at Jacquez Green their best long
threat. Dunn may play but see if that one carry by Alstott has him
back in the good graces of Tony Dungy.
Pittsburgh/Kansas City
The Steelers played like the Steelers of old with Jerome Bettis
pounding the ball on the ground and the 3-4 defense smothering the
opposition. We are talking the Bengals but it was the "New
and Improved" Bengals. We assume that this will be the pattern
in every game. When they come to a team that can stop the run and
blanket Hines Ward - a No. 3 disguised as a No. 1 - then they will
lose. That means a probable 8-8/9-7 team that will just miss the
playoffs by a hair and everyone will shed a tear for jut-jawed Bill
Cowher. Watch to see if Kordell is becoming the old Kordell. Two
out of the three games he has played, he has had Kordell-type games.
Dick Vermeil would like Priest Holmes to have a Kordell game. Holmes
had his one big game and all his fans went wild - he was traded
for Randy Moss in a league that I am aware of - but he came crashing
to earth against the Broncos and the Steelers should be able to
contain him. If they do then the game reverts to watching Trent
Green toss passes at Tony Gonzalez who is being groped the length
of the field. Kris Brown probably has another great day as the Steelers
offense is built for field goals.
New York Giants/St. Louis
Another of the great games on the schedule, as the Giants try to
prove that the messy loss to the Broncos Week 1 was a mirage. The
Rams are looking like the "bad" team that won the Super
Bowl of 1999 and not the mess of 2000. The reason is two-fold. They
have gone back to running the ball a little more and they can play
defense. We don't suspect that the pedestrian offense of the Giants
will frighten the Rams. Watch to see if the Giants start Ron Dayne
and how they use him. A ball control type game that utilizes Dayne
may soften the Rams interior but we suspect that a good passing
game can give them more trouble. The Giants don't have a good passing
game but may try that attack with a healthier Ike Hilliard teamed
with Armani Toomer and Joe Jurevicius. The Rams aren't going to
do much different but may pass more than usual, as the Giants are
weaker against the pass. Look for plenty of shots of Mike Martz
and the use of the term genius. And announcers will talk about Jim
Fassell's guarantee last year.
Detroit/Minnesota
Quick prediction from Nostragameus. The Vikings will crush the Lions
and there will be dancing in the streets. Everyone will say that
the Vikings are back and ready to challenge for the division crown.
Also Lions GM Matt Millen will start blaming the previous regime
for the mess they left. A few dissenters - football loyalists are
as fanatical as the Luftwaffe - will point out that the team is
not designed to play the West Coast offense and the secondary couldn't
cover a dining room table. They will be taken to a back room and
silenced. Watch to see if Dennis Green, after four weeks of failed
running game, tries very hard to establish the run with Michael
Bennett. They cannot win consistently and run the ball eight times.
The Lions will definitely try to run James Stewart 100 times but
give up once they are down 14-0. That will be in the first quarter.
Matt Millen will say they are trying hard to salvage the season
and want to stay competitive.
San Diego/New England
The commentators will talk of changing leaves and there will be
pretty pictures of the local color. They will try to talk about
anything other than the Patriots. There are no pretty colors for
the Patriots. They will also talk about Doug Flutie's record in
Foxboro Stadium. Doug has little reason to believe that his win-loss
percentage will be damaged. The Chargers are going to grind away
with LaDainian Tomlinson. We are determined to write that line every
week until they try a different attack. The receiving corps will
be bored. The Patriots will try and grind away with Antowain Smith.
LOL. Talk of the Patriots' offense always brings tears to my eyes.
Terry Glenn will also be a focal point for discussion, and for the
offense, as they will try to get him the ball early. With Tom Brady
at quarterback and the June Taylor Dancers playing the offensive
line, there is little chance of anything beyond disgrace.
New Orleans/Carolina
These two teams occupy different strata in the NFC West. The Saints
offer hope for winning and the playoffs and Super Bowl chances while
the Panthers offer hope of a 6-10 season. This game should be pretty
rote as the Saints will run Ricky Williams all over the field, then
Aaron Brooks will look for Willie Jackson and it is over. The Panthers
only hope is to force Brooks into a few mistakes but that hasn't
been easy as Brooks' inaccuracies have been limited to his team,
not the opponents. Watch to see if Brooks looks at Cam Cleeland,
even a sideways glance, as Cleeland has been targeted only six times
in three games. On the Panthers side of the ball, which running
back will get the rock is the main question. We see Biakabutuka
as the main guy but he is a time bomb. Look for how well Chris Weinke
handles the pass rush, as the Saints are pretty tough up front.
And if he will look at any receiver other than Muhammad. He has
been the prime focus though after whining, Wesley Walls got some
love last week. Donald Hayes, who is he?
Miami/NY Jets
The Jets are not ready for this game. Oh they will talk big about
plans to attack the tough Miami defense but the pass offense is
lame and the Dolphins will concentrate on stopping Curtis Martin.
Martin had limited success against the Dolphins last season and
is looking at his worst fantasy week. The Dolphins will pound the
ball at a defense that has allowed 164 miles of rushing a game.
The Jets couldn't stop the Bills rushing game that had the "Tooth
Fairy" anchoring the line; they won't be able to stop the Dolphins.
Watch Chris Chambers - the cheesehead's Randy Moss - and see if
he is taking time and action from Oronde Gadsden. On the Jets side
of the ball look for how many times Anthony Becht is targeted, he
is in the top-10 of tight end targets and could turn into a decent
pick up.
Denver/Seattle
Denver will be excited to see the great northwest. The Seahawks
can do that to you. Yes, we know that the Seahawks stuffed the Jaguars
but Denver is not the Jags and the Seahawks will revert to a familiar
form Week 5. The Broncos must find a receiver other than Rod Smith
if they are to take a big step forward this season. Smith was targeted
13 times, last week, and Travis McGriff was targeted twice. McGriff
is not the answer and neither are Eddie Kennison or Keith Poole.
They have found that while it is pretty easy to interchange running
backs it is not as easy to interchange wide receivers. Everyone's
eyes will be on Shaun Alexander as the Seattle running back smoked
the Jags for 176 yards on the ground Week 4. The Broncos are not
quite as accommodating as the Jaguars are on the ground. The best
way to defeat the Broncos is in the air but that means Trent Dilfer,
Darrell Jackson, and Koren Robinson. Guess it might be best to take
the ball over the land. Ricky Watters' owners are in a bind. If
Alexander does well but the Seahawks lose a lot, it may make sense
to keep Alexander in the starting lineup and run out the string
with him. If the Seahawks win, and Alexander does well, it may be
best to keep him in there. The only scenario where Watters retains
his job is if the Seahawks do well or mediocre and Alexander does
not do well. Seems like a slim possibility.
Oakland/Indianapolis
No truth to the rumor that the Colts had their eyes propped open
with toothpicks and were forced to watch replays of the Patriots
game on a continuous loop 24/7 for the first week of their vacation.
Certainly the Raiders watched the film a few times. This is the
best match we've had on Sunday night and should be an entertaining
game as both teams can move the rock and have problems on defense.
Well the Raiders have some problems on defense but the Colts are
defenseless. With Jerome Pathon and Terrence Wilkins out, look for
Reggie Wayne to get his first chance to excel. He won't. That means
Marvin Harrison is back to carrying the load all by himself. Along
with Edgerrin James, of course. The interesting facet of the Raiders
is the defensive line with Darryl Russell back from his drug suspension
- we be jammin. If he is ready to play like his supposedly bad self,
Peyton Manning could be in trouble. The Raiders will spread the
ball around to all the usual suspects and Tyrone Wheatley could
have a field day. Theisman and Company will have plenty to talk
about with Russell's return, the Colts debacle with the Pats, the
Colts loss to the Raiders, and the Sebastian Janikowski situation
- oh that smell, can you smell that smell. Was Janikowski voted
most likely to wrap his sports car around a tree in high school?
Should be a fun game.
Dallas/Washington
Ah, nothing like a battle of 0-4 teams to push you to watch the
new Monday night lineup. Wonder what that "Crossing Jordan"
show is like, that babe is hot. And those comedies on CBS are sidesplitting.
Think about an evening of "Everybody likes the King of Queens"
as homespun fun. We doubt the ABC pinheads will point out the obvious
that Dallas and Washington are perfect examples of teams run by
megalomaniacal, egotistical, conceited, self-serving, pompous boobs.
They should but they won't. Each team will run the ball and it could
easily be the best day either Emmitt Smith or Stephen Davis have
this season. There is nothing to watch but the news.
Mark Bond can be found,
most days, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn, eating hot sausage sandwiches
topped with BBQ chips, chili, and coleslaw, slapping back Cuervo
shooters, and rambling on about those warm evenings spent with Janet
Reno. He is not related to James Bond but has the same air of sophistication
of Sean Connery. Mark is currently annoying his workmates at Jackpot
Sports, home of the first daily fantasy baseball game, the Reggie
Jackson Fantasy Baseball Challenge, plus weekly and seasonal Fantasy
Football games.
